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I was waiting for it.
I'm looking out my window, and everythings white; there are big puffy flakes falling and its like I'm in a snow globe. The sun is peaking through the lacey snow clouds, the wind whipping around causing feathery torndados.
I've been studying for the better part of the past three days; my eyes ache, my neck is bent out of shape and I'm getting sick. Yet right now, with the snow, and with "Thank you" by Zeppelin playing, its ok. I'm ok.
Maybe I should title this a Valentine to myself...
Thank you by Led Zeppelin
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.
Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more.
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
But my love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.
Inspiration's what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.
And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.
Marshmallow bed,
Being pulled in closer,
Nook naps in the morning,
Thank you Man Creature.
This is goign to be my victory dance, when I finally graduate.
"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the brain"
Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run
Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
the dog days are done
Can’t you hear the horses
Cuz here they come
And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
and what was left after that too. oh.
Happiness it hurt like a bullet in the mind
Stuck them up drainpipes
by someone who should know better than that
The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
can you hear the horses
Cuz here they come
Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come
The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come
well said Gaga, well said
I am capable
I am resilient
I am enough
I am beautiful
and I'm just getting even better
watch out world...
"My Darling,
I saw this and immediately thought of you. You continually inspire me- your love, humour, fabulousness and strong sexy will are all things I aspire towards. Thank you so much for being kind, listening and just an awesome friend. Many more adventures to come between us"
Darling David Lambie Pie, I dream of all the adventures we'll have and I smile more deeply than you know.
Thank you.
This what my postcard is of Madonna by Munch. Isnt it amazing? Like David Lambie Pie.
I miss my golden bette davis lover
xoxo
Cant wait to see you again
When I embarked on my first year at UW I met many amazing people, many whom I've already written about. But one that I haven't is my Beauty Queen. The Beauty Queen is one of those genuinely sweet people. We had a racy scene that we pushed to the brink, and it was lovely. And during that rehearsal period we got to know one another, she listen to me and never judge, we laughed and understood eachother. She helped bring me back to life, life on the stage that is. She was the one that I emailed at 3am the night before I went on stage again after a 6 year absence. She's the one that held my hand before the show and believed in me, right from the bottom of her heart. That how she does everything, gently holding your hand and from the bottom of her heart.
Behold, snippets from our conversation that warm my heart:
Miss Weetzie: "you're my beaufy queen with the beautiful heart and soul"
Beauty Queen: "ya but i love when YOU call me that.. cause its just you and its special and... pretty sure, x, you are the most positive thing to hit this UW world. i feel a special bond with you and its happened without spending alot of time.. so more time together can only make it stronger"
Maybe I do get it right sometimes
Thank you honey.
My Dearest Blanket Friend, my Cherokee K, she's found her duck. No more hunting. I cant even begin to express all the love in my heart for Cherokee K and her J Duck. I cant even form sentances. I'm just so happy.
Maybe some day I'll find more eloquent words, but until then; My darling Cherokee K, who I would crawl through hell and back for, my blanket friend, my soul; all my love my darling. All my love and happiness.
I'll teach my feet to fly, then it would catch up with my heart.
Joni's pretty damn good about being achingly beautiful, maybe I am too...
River by Joni Mitchell
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
The other day I saw my grandma in the hospital. Not even 30 seconds being there she says "wow, Miss Weetzie sure is fat"
I've been working very hard at the gym, made that committment to go, but I dont think that I've been working my brain in the right way. I've gotten so fucking wrapped up in how my body looks, and becuase I've put that mental block in my body hasnt responded in the way that I've wanted it too.
So its time to change the approach. Its time to realize and believe that I am so so much more than what I look like. That I'm strong and capable and graceful and powerful in so many ways.
But more than that, much more than that, I need to remind myself to not just say that I'm going to take care of me and be healthy, but really do it. I want to lead a long, enjoyable life. And I can, its fully up to me.
There have been a great deal of health problems in my family, on both sides. Now, and everyday, I have the choice to fight these and not be along side of the list of my papa and nana with their heart attacks, my uncle dying from heart attack, my uncle with diabetes, my grandma with her strokes. I owe it to myself while I still have a heart that beats. I want it to beat even stronger.
All my love and gratitude to those who have unconditionally helped me with this quest. Especailly Ms Cherokee K, My Eely, Lambie Pie, Babygirl Leigh, Kitten and ManCreature.
Dont loose faith in me, I dont plan on loosing it in myself.
- Make a commitment to a healthier lifestyle.
- You can move and exercise your body with the intention of becoming more complete and vibrant, a vehicle for the expression of spirit.
- Take a breath; take a break. Cultivate the power of the present moment. Lie, sit, stand - it does not matter. Let everything else subside. This is the moment you have been waiting for. Just this. Here now
Miss Weetzie
as long as you still love the xstina for what she is, than its all good
Man Creature
your potential is part of your appeal
Miss Weetize
wow thats one of the most touching comliments you've ever paid me
Man Creature
do i get a kiss on the cheek?
I dont know how, or when but somehow, I've lost my nose stud. The chances of finding it again? Slim to none. Thankfully I have a back up, but thats not the point. The one that I lost was the one it was pierced with. The one that I got six years ago that was a symbol of a resurrection. Thats part of the reason that I've kept my piercing for so long. I've needed it. Loosing doenst mean I've lost that component of myself, I just still wish I had it.
I'm so much more than merely a twist in someones drink. I could be the whole bar if someone lets me. But, I'd rather be alone in this.
"The Power Of Orange Knickers" Tori Amos
(feat. Damien Rice)
The power of orange knickers
The power of orange knickers
The power of orange knickers
Under my petticoat
The power of listening to what
You don't want me to know
Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
Those girls that smile kindly then rip your life to pieces?
Can somebody tell me now am I alone with this?
This little pill in my hand and with this secret kiss
Am I alone in this...
A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For their latest drink
As they're transitioning
Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand that keeps the pain living
Can somebody tell me now a way out of this -
That sacred pipe of red stone could blow me out of this kiss
Am I alone in this...
Shame shame time to leave me now
Shame shame you've had your fun
Shame shame for letting me think that I would be the one
Can somebody tell me now who is this terrorist
This little pill in my hand or this secret kiss
Am I alone in this kiss
Am I alone in this kiss
I want to live inside the song right Collect Call by Metric.
Its the empty club after hours in New York, just as disco as gliding its way into new wave for the briefest of moments it will stay dreamy before being angry and become punk. the floor is light blue and the disco ball is reflecting flamingo pink lights. My eyes are closed, but I can feel the colours. I've probably had too much to drink, a drink of liquid silver that makes me swear that I can see the electric blue in my viens with the pink lightening flashing too quickly to be seen, only felt. Just like I can feel his hands on the small of my back while I rest my head on his shoulder.
"Make the move, the rest of the ride is riding on you" But the rest is riding on me;the blue, the pink, the silver. I want to feel all of this and nothing else right now. I want my empty club after hours where thats all that will matter and all I'll want.
If the fire's out baby, How you gonna keep me warm?
Supposing you let me, with the door wide open no one can leave
I know its a lie, I want it to be true
The rest of the ride is riding on you
Over goodbyes we'll buy some place
For wishing you could
Keep me closer, I'm a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you
Keep me closer, I'm a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you
If somebody's got soul...You've got to make them move
I know it's a lie, I want it to be true
The rest of the ride is riding on you
Over goodbyes we'll buy some place
For wishing you could
Keep me closer, I'm a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you
Keep me closer, I'm a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you
I saw my nana on the weekend; for the most part, she's pretty with it, or so I thought. I sit down beside her and ask how she's doing to which she replys:
"so, are you still loose?"
Heads turned to hear that comment "sorry, what, Nana?"
"oh no, hahaha, I mean, available. are you seeing anyone?"
"aww no. I've been with ManCreature for two years now, you've even mentioned how good looking he is, remember?"
"oh. well you know. I cant keep track, I thought you were still single"
Even when I have somone I'm still "that (loose) girl".
The Kate kick continues.
Not many movies these days make me swoon, if any, make me swoon like the old ones. How dreamy and other worldy, and epic and earth moving the moments seemed in the old movies.
I was born in the wrong era. It almost makes me ache. But maybe I just like the notion of being thought of as magnificant. Maybe thats what causes me to dream and to want to be one of those other wordly characters, to transform, to be an actress.
Just keep talking...and put me in your pocket
Last year, as for as years go, was a doozey when it came to funerals. I went to far too many. Far too many were family memebers, in particular, males on my father's side. Today was the funeral of my uncle through marriage, and considering that the years more than half over, and this is the first one that I went to, well, thats sadly, refreshing.
My aunt asked my dad to read a piece for the funeral, and since he loved his sister, of course he did. And naturally, the passing on of his brother, father and uncle were on his mind.
There were some moments during the funeral where I could feel my dad's breathing getting heavy, hear him staring to sniffle, thats the moment where I reach out and take his hand and squeeze it very hard.
When his brother suddenly died, it was after the funeral after he had said his goodbye that he finally had his big release and the sorrow really hit him, and I was left holding my weeping father.
When his father died, it was after the closing of the casket that he I was left holding my weeping father.
When his uncle died, during the funeral, it was me holding his hand very hard while he wept.
It seems to just happen; I'm always sitting on his left side and reach out just at the moment he needs it. I never plan it, and I never seem to remember the previous event, yet somehow, I'm always there.
When Rob died, nearly three years ago already, it was dad who came and picked up his weeping daughter when she was going to be able to go home until tommorow.
It was dad who, sitting in the drivers seat, on my left, held my hand and weeped at a stop light thinking of those who have gone to Heaven before us.
I can't say that I enjoy the fact that I'm always there on my dad's left side on these moments, but its nice to know that I'm always able to fill that role, And that he's there on my left side when I need it too.
